My Personal Experience with Anger – Calming the Monster Within

My Own Experience with Anger

One of the best ways for others to understanding something is to be able to relate to it personally so I am going to share an abbreviated version of own journey with anger.  After I share my experience, I will list some core aspects of my journey that were key for me in transforming it.

Where my Anger Started

Growing up I was someone who learned to please others.  In my family only certain people were “allowed” to be or show anger or high energy emotions.  I wasn’t one of those people; I learned to feel ashamed of my anger, of any rising burst of energy like excitement or powerful expression.  I continued to live this way through my teens and 20’s and 30’s.  I am still not the most expressive person you will meet but I have found what feels like me, its always expanding and shifting.

The Beginning of a New Relationship with Anger

In the later part of my twenties, I started doing personal development work.  I started allowing myself to feel and express what was inside.  Aspects of myself that I had buried so deep I didn’t know they were there started coming to the surface.  I was doing group work, members of these groups started to reflect back to me the rage they sensed inside me, not as a judgement but as an observation or reflection of how they experienced me. I began to experience (feel) the body in my anger that others could sense but I wasn’t really aware of. I started getting to know this energy through conscious yelling into pillows, various types of breath work and sharing about my experience of anger with others.

Ramping up the Overwhelm of Life

During this period in my life, I found myself in the most stressful job I had ever had, on top of that I welcomed my son into the world.  I was struggling in my romantic relationship, I felt I was carrying the world on my shoulders.   Daily I worried the stress would engulf me at any moment. I felt I could barely get through each day only to do it all over again.  I was completely overwhelmed, my nervous system felt frayed and stretched to the brink.  I believed I was all alone, and I had to carry the load for everyone around me. 

How my Anger Showed up at Work and Home

All of this broke the long-held dam I had constructed around my anger. I took my anger and frustration out on my romantic partner, the mother of my son. I loathed and feared myself.  I hated life, without realizing it. 

At work I treated my colleges with suspicion and contempt, I pushed them away with anger that practically seeped from my skin. Without realizing it at the time, I believed all they wanted to do was pass off their work and responsibility to me, I resented them for it. All the resentment that I had built up towards others and myself over my entire lifetime was triggered through this experience.  Unknowingly I decided if they feared me, they wouldn’t ask any more of me so I deeply embraced this angry persona.  I felt I was perpetually at the brink of being totally overwhelmed in any given moment, anger seemed like my best defense in keeping myself from completely falling apart.

New Realizations about my Anger

As I continued getting to know my anger, I came to see it as something other than just a feeling I wanted to get rid of. Anger was a defense I used to protect myself from feeling and experiencing the physical sensations connected to my beliefs that I was “bad”, unredeemable.  

Anger – A Wake Up to my Dis-empowerment

Anger became a wake-up call to how dis-empowered I felt in my life.  I wasn’t happy in my life, I felt I had no control or influence over it. I hadn’t allowed myself to even consider what I wanted for my life. I was living a life I didn’t want and felt very powerless to do anything about it.  I had given all my power away to others and hated myself for it.  

The Peak of my Anger

A key point in the transformation of my relationship with anger came when my son was not yet two years old. His mother and I were away with him and some her of family for the weekend.  One evening after some frustrations and a few beers I completely lost my temper with his mother. She held our son while I publicly berated her, unleashing all the pain and resentment I carried inside. I was blind with rage. it was largely an out of body experience, I don’t remember what we were fighting about but I remember looking into my son’s eyes and seeing utter terror.

A New Decision with my Anger

As much as yelling at my partner and son wasn’t ok, it happened.  Reflecting on that experience shifted something in me. I decided I wasn’t going to be a father who terrifies his son, I began choosing to be someone that doesn’t express anger in a damaging way. I decided the cycle of anger wasn’t going to continue in our family anymore. 

This decision I made was a turning point for me; however, everything didn’t change overnight.  I became more able to control how the energy of my anger flowed out of me, I wasn’t projecting it outward in the same way, I started directing inward.

Facing the Monster Inside Me

II came to realize I saw myself as a monster who was evil and unredeemable.  There was a monster or dragon inside me that could hurt others if I allowed it to.  I felt shame and guilt for the things I had done, for how I treated people, I was ashamed of who I believed I was.

As I came to accept and embrace these parts of me that seemed like a monster inside me, I started to understand that I was capable of acting in those ways, but that wasn’t truly me.   This seeming monster inside was actually all the powerful energies inside me that I had long repressed.   This dragon was a self-creation that encompassed all the parts of me that I had tried to banish. It was a prison guard to all the parts of me that were afraid. In many ways I believed I was locking this monster away to protect others, when actually this dragon was guarding the soft afraid parts of me locked away deep inside me.

Experiencing what my Anger was protecting

As I began accepting my monster he calmed down. He was willing to move aside so I could access the fearful parts inside.  As I got to know the scared parts of me, they were able to release many of their fears.  They were able to feel safe on their own. As they began to feel safe, they no longer needed the monster I had created to protect them anymore.

Befriending my Inner Dragon – Learning more about it

As the scared parts inside me started to feel more safe other parts of my monster came into my awareness. These other parts were protecting the vulnerable aspects of me as well.  Some of the other parts of my monster were my internal guilt and shame, my judgements of others, my judgements of myself and all the things I did to harm myself like numbing myself with food, TV and alcohol.

The more I accept and gain understanding of all parts of my dragon and the scared parts it protects the more peaceful I am inside. When there is more peace within me, it’s easier to be more at peace with everything outside of me, my relationships, my challenges and the world at large.

As I came to befriend these parts of myself, I came to see them as helpful dragon within me rather than a non-de-script monster. My inner dragon has become a playful way for me to relate to these aspects of myself and my energy. It doesn’t hurt to have a dragon you can call on when you need it.

Safety – A Game Changer

One part of my journey that has been key to my transformation was a feeling of safety.  Safety is creating in our bodies.  As a parent I see my most important job is to create a safe place for my son, when I do that, he has a chance to learn what it is to be safe in his body and is able to build healthy ways to keep himself safe.   I gained safety through the experiences of sharing myself in groups, through building trust with my body through practicing flowing with the energies of my emotions. Maybe the most important way I started to feel safe was through working with my own therapists.   They became my safe adults and I was able to create secure (safe) attachments to them. The safes spaces they created for me allowed me to access my own inner adult who takes care of me now. Through their care I was able to feel and then transform my inner defences that kept me divided inside.   The spiritual connection I feel for all of life has become a wonderful source of safety for me as well.

Why I’ve shared my journey with Anger with You

You may be wondering why I’ve shared all this about myself.   As a therapist I have a responsibility to take care of my own emotional needs and health, which I do privately.  I shared my experience so that you might relate to parts of it. To see your own struggle in mine and through that understand you are not alone in your struggle, others struggle like you do. I wanted to share hope that you can truly transform yourself.

Perhaps my journey has taken much longer than it needed to but I have gained great insight from it. I know that had I reached out for help in more direct ways sooner I probably would have found this peace sooner. That being said I believe that my timing is just right for me. The tools and therapeutic modalities that I have benefited so much from were still being developed and accepted in the mental health space during my journey.

Here are a few Key aspects of my Journey with Anger:

I want to highlight some key aspects of my journey. Some core aspects that really changes my relationship with anger and other parts of me:

• As children we learn how to “behave” to keep the adults in our lives happy (to live by the family rules).
• Shame is one of the most powerful ways we learn not to do or be something
• Feeling and experiencing what is going on inside our bodies is very different than only talking about and thinking about it
• When we haven’t been able to feel things inside us we might not realize they are even there.
• Group therapy can help us to see our blind spots and to realize we aren’t alone in our struggles
• Becoming aware of and moving/expressing energy can be a powerful way to get to shift our experiences of them
• Anger is often a defense – Keeping us from feeling the tender feelings underneath that keep us from fully being ourselves
• Anger can be an indication that we feel dis-empowered in some part of our lives
• Intimidating others – can be a way to use Anger to defend some aspect of ourselves
• Working through Feelings can be a process that takes time
• Somatic Calm – As we calm the energies in our bodies it makes room for us to expand our perspectives which in turn change our model of experiencing our lives
• Secure Attachment – through the truly loving embrace of another it’s amazing how much of our own inner resources we gain access to
• Anger is a powerful feeling/energy – Whether it is our own or another’s anger, it is life force that is best to master and use to our benefit
• Growth doesn’t happen in spite of challenges but through them
• I use the memory of my sons frightened face as a reminder to choose to be loving and safe as much as I can

My Current Relationship with my Anger

While I still get upset and frustrated with my son, I don’t express it towards him with much intensity.  I have actually found that I can temper the energy in my expression with him without repressing it, similar to how a martial artist redirects an opponent’s energy.  When I get frustrated with him, I can express it to him without holding him responsible for it.  I continually remind myself that we truly are never upset for the reasons we believe, he is doing something that is triggering my anger but he isn’t responsible for it.

I find myself using the energy of my anger as a way to boost my energy. When I need an internal re-fortification, I am able to direct this energy so that I can stand my ground, bring a little extra weight to my expression or stand up for someone else. It becomes an embodiment of my forward moving passion.

Looking back, I can see this journey with anger is a gift.  I am able to be with people who are pissed off, angry and are intimidated by anger.  As it’s been such a big part of my journey, I am able to see the scared parts of person that anger is protected by.  I know there is a loving, accepting and powerful person inside. I am empowered to walk next to others who are walking a similar path as I understand what’s it’s like through my personal experience.